アヲタロウ 🥑

It's been quite a while since I wrote here. And in fact, I don't know how big this post would be.
I feel not too fond of telling too much. But, well.

Bye bye old Job

I've been on that company for about 5 years and always had this uneasy feeling of not being wanted.
Turns out when the economy started to crash, that I had been the first to be kicked out.
Not the 2 Managers in our Team. No. Me. The whole only engineering person.
I never got negative feedback on my work. I always finished each and every task ahead of schedule.
And even if they wrote me an good recommendation .. I felt betrayed.

I still feel betrayed.

My whole career had not a single station where I look back and don't feel like it's been poison.
Of course I know that if always everything works out bad, it have to be you and not the world.

But still I wonder, that even that is true. Is it still "okay" to always suffer on not fitting
in a way that I am unable to understand?

To be the bare minimum of an german person?

Germans love cars. They LOVE cars. And I never made it through an driving license.
My eye to hand mechanics are twisted. So many real time things around of me confuse me.

And driving teachers always screamed at me for my mistakes up to the point where I got so
scared that I was not able to attend anymore.
Years passed and I've grown in age far enough, that no driving school here is accepting me anymore. They are all "full" if I request lessons. Funny little coincidences! Always funny little coincidences.

Long story short: I found one that was accepting me and I decided to not aim for an full car driving license but for an tiny-car license. It's called AM license and you can't drive faster than 45 km/h. And it costs only 600€ to make, not 3000€.

So I started that, again. Went to the national driving test, again, and passed. Again. For the 4th time already.
Only the moped driving test remained. But I was not able to attend. Why? Because the company lost its license and had to shut down.

Yes. I looking back I don't know what to say. 2025 been a shitty year? But no. It became worse.

Toxic 'amateurism'

My old job had to pay me 3 months of compensation and I looked for an new job in the same office building. And found one on a startup company. Everyone seemed nice. Even though I had 10 years more on everything they were very interested in letting me join the 'family'. And yes, I call it 'family' because that's how they wanted to be in this company.

I don't want to go too much into detail. Let's say: Some people there made sure to never give me real work that would let me show my strong points. Just the weak ones. We had an 'how is it going?' meeting every 4 weeks. And on that time where probation ended, suddenly - I was out. Yeah. Again.

Why? Mistakes. Errors. Low performing people. The family would need people to be at least 20% unpaid overtime each day.
I did not! I went deeper into that topics and it turned out: It was about the money. They paid me too much, but never
used me in the right way. All this young people that exploited themselves to the point where they had no life besides the family got paid less. Much less. And if they would find out the 'family' would had been no more.

So I'm 'out' of the family.

And out meant that I had to stay 3 more months. Where they told it was me who wanted to go.
It was me who was not happy with something and so on. Lalala. I even had to attend to an stupid team and trust building event. It was like torture. To not hate myself too much I exploited an paid SCRUM-Master certification for me.

But to be honest. I was out of myself. So very fed up. I got the feeling that this Job, changed more and more by AI, was nothing I could stand anymore. Being a resource. An failure, without even failing on my work.

And long story short: With failing economy and AI around the corner, there was no one interested into hiring me anymore. They all just wanted young, cheap idiots to fire some queries and hope for the best.

But you are not good enough

I decided to go back to education. Educate people who needs a chance and hopefully making a life from it. I send about 40 applications to almost everyone and everything. But even the companies that wanted me went silent in the shadow of the growing economy crisis.

Why not go to an normal School? Well. It turned out: I was not good enough.

In Germany to teach you need to pass 2 national tests in education. With college degree and enough years you COULD apply to an job anyway, work 2 years and then attend the 2nd test as wild outsider. But even this is only possible IF you have a Masters Degree.

In other words: You need an Degree to an 80k Bucks a year Job to apply for an 20k Bucks a year probation period. Who the fuck thought that would be an good Idea?!

And the more time passed the more I thought about forging myself an Master Degree.

Or - wild thought - I just actually do the fucking Degree.

Master of Science - But who doesn't?

I found a loophole in the rules for the German laws for unemployment benefits:
As long as you are able to work more than 30 hours a week, and you are available all the time, you in fact CAN go to a college by getting all the money. At least until someone wants to hire you.

And since I did some courses decades ago this would be ... realistic?

This gave me realistically speaking 6 Months to apply, enroll, and finish a college run.
And well. I did it. I wrote an Thesis about "Gamification in Higher Education" that even had enough relevance and findings and brain to not just get me an straight A, but also could give me an PhD.

Could. But due to economical crisis ... it's not. No budget for this stuff available.

Settling a bit

And now. Well. I got a Job as Teacher. Have lovely and somewhat dorky students that deserve good education. Hopefully it will count as probation time for the national test soon.
Since it's not giving enough money I do part time Jobs. Sometimes educating Students on college. Sometimes I repack iPads for minimum wage. It's an unstable and crazy life. But at least I feel like an human person again.

I even found time for new dreams. That's why it's time to write about it. Again. Stay tuned and stay well!